Clown Theory: An Introduction to this Blog Series
Hi! Thanks for joining me for this post, the first one in my new blog series, "Tara in Whiter-land".
I was inspired by countless years of failure to write this heart-wrenchingly true series of blog posts about how I completely and utterly suck.
Essentially, as a brown, fat, queer woman, I have found that I have never been white enough. Not that I haven't tried!
There's always someone whiter than me, damnit, and they show me up, again and again, reinforcing better than I ever could the standards by which folks should laugh, cry, and organize together.
As a treat for you, and because I frankly have trouble sleeping at night as a result of these failures, I am going to write about them. As a kind of penance. Nameless (for your safety), context-less (for mine), and completely satirical.
Welcome to Tara in Whiter-land, The real life, out-of-context adventures of a brown girl who can't get her head out of the twat that is white theatre.
As a treat for you, and because I frankly have trouble sleeping at night as a result of these failures, I am going to write about them. As a kind of penance. Nameless (for your safety), context-less (for mine), and completely satirical.
Welcome to Tara in Whiter-land, The real life, out-of-context adventures of a brown girl who can't get her head out of the twat that is white theatre.
Love,
Tara
Clown Theory
Clown Theory
Chapter 1: How Dare I?
Monday, June 1, 2020
1:33 PM
1:33 PM
This morning I spent several hours explaining why white physical theater performers should not show up at a protest of black lives matters supporters expressing outrage over the death of George Floyd and countless other black lives lost to the brutality of police violence.
You heard me right, I was breaking it down for white physical theater folks who hold a high opinion of their CLOWN art form and told them that their art ain't shit... compared with the need for responding with humility and respect for the process of grief and rage that these protesters are expressing.
How dare I?
Chapter 2: But there's always someone....
Basically I told them no. No you can't do that, here's why you can't do that, you need to come from a place of listening before you try to jizz your art all over authentic acts of liberation.
One young man, the one who had asked the question, "should I clown at a protest?" was very humble in receiving my response.
But there's always someone....
Someone who wanted to supersede my responses with technical explanations of how my recommendations fit into (his perception of) clown theory, but bereft of the social justice and humility content.
Believe me, I can sling some clown theory. Got the letters by my name to prove it. But this ain't about that...
Having been put in my place yet again by well-meaning, more informed, more successful and more intelligent white men, I've started to consider the many ways that I, Tara Cariaso, have completely fucked up.
I have fucked up in perceiving, understanding, and functioning within our white supremacist, I mean elitist, I mean exemplary, theater communities. I really have. Again and again.
In fact, I have at least a dozen stories about how I have really missed the goddamn point with regards to equality and inclusion and well really the whole point of acting and performing, over the last 25 years of my career in theater.
I've been doing this for a long time in my brown, fat, queer body so there's a lot of material failure to examine.
We will talk about falling down, being too fat, not knowing my own story, my primary through high School whitewashing... College was mostly boring because they actually valued me there, but we can talk about being exclusively cast as witches and prostitutes which is relevant to that time in my life! We'll explore hypocrisy and fear and a lot of real fall-down-on-your-face-and-
I hope you will join me for this blog series and enjoy the journey, even if the destination, (and spoilers- it does,) sucks.
The reason I told them not to show up is because they wanted to perform clown there with the protesters.
You heard me right, I was breaking it down for white physical theater folks who hold a high opinion of their CLOWN art form and told them that their art ain't shit... compared with the need for responding with humility and respect for the process of grief and rage that these protesters are expressing.
How dare I?
----------------------------------------
Basically I told them no. No you can't do that, here's why you can't do that, you need to come from a place of listening before you try to jizz your art all over authentic acts of liberation.
One young man, the one who had asked the question, "should I clown at a protest?" was very humble in receiving my response.
But there's always someone....
Someone who wanted to supersede my responses with technical explanations of how my recommendations fit into (his perception of) clown theory, but bereft of the social justice and humility content.
Believe me, I can sling some clown theory. Got the letters by my name to prove it. But this ain't about that...
-----------------------------------------
Chapter 3: Creators need to have humility
So, I proceeded to explain to this clown, pun intended, that I did not want to be corrected. What I meant was that it ain't only clown theory that should inform a performer when deciding what to make in the world.
I meant that creators need to have humility in the face of things that are not for them. They need to accept that other people's needs, that are not based in creating high art or just having fun, are valuable, and in fact, invaluable.
I told them they need to see that there's white supremacy embedded in the very idea that any art should be drizzled so greasily over something so very very real and life and death as the protests surrounding police brutality and the deep need for ANTI-RACISM.
So, I proceeded to explain to this clown, pun intended, that I did not want to be corrected. What I meant was that it ain't only clown theory that should inform a performer when deciding what to make in the world.
I meant that creators need to have humility in the face of things that are not for them. They need to accept that other people's needs, that are not based in creating high art or just having fun, are valuable, and in fact, invaluable.
I told them they need to see that there's white supremacy embedded in the very idea that any art should be drizzled so greasily over something so very very real and life and death as the protests surrounding police brutality and the deep need for ANTI-RACISM.
Especially now, during this heartfelt lurch forward in progress which our society is now going through, I felt I needed to keep saying to this wayward group (that had not yet determined the actual shape and color (pun intended) of their enthusiasm yet,) "It's not about you." You know that moment, the one where tension tingles in the air as one leader or another decides that the whole conversation is going in the direction of hell despite all warning signs? We were at this GPS point in the convo....
I wanted to remind them to LISTEN rather than just ACT in this moment, (Again, pun intended, I really like puns.)
I wanted to remind them to LISTEN rather than just ACT in this moment, (Again, pun intended, I really like puns.)
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Chapter 4: I. should. not. preach.
As I expected, however, my ideas were (spoiler alert) not welcomed with open arms. I was shut down by an older, wiser, clumsier man who made use of all the old-school, tried and true by Congress, clearly-you're-overreacting tactics. (Believe me, I have come to understand these tactics well, but those we will get into later in the series...)
Anyway, I was told swiftly that I was in the wrong forum to talk about things political (ahem), that I should keep my opinions to myself (those thoughts of a "racial nature"), and to just stick to talking about CLOWN THEORY.
Clown theory.
As I expected, however, my ideas were (spoiler alert) not welcomed with open arms. I was shut down by an older, wiser, clumsier man who made use of all the old-school, tried and true by Congress, clearly-you're-overreacting tactics. (Believe me, I have come to understand these tactics well, but those we will get into later in the series...)
Anyway, I was told swiftly that I was in the wrong forum to talk about things political (ahem), that I should keep my opinions to myself (those thoughts of a "racial nature"), and to just stick to talking about CLOWN THEORY.
Clown theory.
Sigh.
No, the irony is not lost on me.
Oh, and also that I. Should. Not. Preach.
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Chapter 5: Impenetrable phallic shaped tower of truth
Oh, and also that I. Should. Not. Preach.
--------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5: Impenetrable phallic shaped tower of truth
Clearly this was being pointed out to me because making art is not a political act.
And, also it was pointed out because I WAS missing the point:
And, also it was pointed out because I WAS missing the point:
I was talking about humility and humanity and listening to those around me rather than about CLOWN THEORY, which we all know is an impenetrable phallic shaped tower of truth, an infallible light rising into the sky which talks to God daily...
And also, Truly, Clowning has nothing to do with humanity, humility and listening, right?
-----------------------------------------
And also, Truly, Clowning has nothing to do with humanity, humility and listening, right?
-----------------------------------------
Chapter 6: I ... have completely fucked up
So.
Having been put in my place yet again by well-meaning, more informed, more successful and more intelligent white men, I've started to consider the many ways that I, Tara Cariaso, have completely fucked up.
I have fucked up in perceiving, understanding, and functioning within our white supremacist, I mean elitist, I mean exemplary, theater communities. I really have. Again and again.
In fact, I have at least a dozen stories about how I have really missed the goddamn point with regards to equality and inclusion and well really the whole point of acting and performing, over the last 25 years of my career in theater.
---------------------------------------------------
Chapter 7: A lot of material failure to examine
I've been doing this for a long time in my brown, fat, queer body so there's a lot of material failure to examine.
We will talk about falling down, being too fat, not knowing my own story, my primary through high School whitewashing... College was mostly boring because they actually valued me there, but we can talk about being exclusively cast as witches and prostitutes which is relevant to that time in my life! We'll explore hypocrisy and fear and a lot of real fall-down-on-your-face-and-
I hope you will join me for this blog series and enjoy the journey, even if the destination, (and spoilers- it does,) sucks.
Tara in Whiter-land
Thank you for this honesty and for sharing your perspective, Tara. I'm very interested to listen and learn. ❤
ReplyDeleteYour candor is always welcomed Tara and I in the many decades of knowing you have had the opportunity to continue see the still talented,brilliant and beautiful strong women you are now,scars and all. Your voice has always been your strongest tool and weapon. I look forward to seeing you use more of it. 💕
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