Re-Imagining in my career, in my family, in my heart: A story about my last two years in Pandemic times

Hi friends!

It's been a long while since last I wrote.  I hope this blog finds you healthier, more wise, and with more capacity to love than the last time we met here:  we could all do with some beneficial upgrades after a very difficult couple of years.

Today I'm sharing with you something I wrote for an organization that is very dear to my heart.  "Women of Color in the Arts" or WOCA is an organization for us, and by us, and they are running strong after 12 years of bringing women of color in the arts together!!!  

I'm ETERNALLY GRATEFUL to the women of this organization, specifically Alisha Patterson, Kaisha Johnson and Gwethalyn Bronner, but ALL the women of this organization, who have shaped a path of liberation through stories, sharing strength, sharing support, and intentionality. 

On 3/22/2022, I had the great honor to present to the WOCA Community Care Circle on the story of my own Re-Imagining process.  

To all the women who were there, (especially the force of nature that is Bhumi Patel who did two incredible movement moments with us that were extraordinary!!!) THANK YOU for sharing this story with me.

For my friends who read my blog to keep a finger on the pulse of my work in theatre decolonization, this is relevant to you as well.  May we all continue to move towards life!

With love,
Tara

Re-Imagining in my Career, in my Family, in my Heart:  
A story about my last two years in Pandemic Times

I. Does it have everything I require?

II. Staying Too Small

III. Only Using One Hand

IV. The Hard Part is Claiming Space

V. Grieving is Part of the Process

VI. Life Moves Towards Life

VII. Wisdom and Re-imagining

VIII. Applying the Lesson of Navigating from the Heart

IX. Choosing to be More of Yourself in this World

I. DOES IT HAVE WHAT I REQUIRE?

I came to this offer, the offer of talking about my journey in re-imagining, with visions of giving this amazing community a pep talk of encouragement and positivity.  And for a lot of days, I sat in front of my empty screen, looking for an entry point to start the conversation.

My intention was to be uplifting.  But I think that the intention of being uplifting was what was getting in my way. I didn’t have my finger on the pulse of what I needed to share tonight, until I had conversation with my partner on Monday evening.

The conversation on Monday, the day before this presentation, was about a job application that I had spent hours and hours on over the course of 2 weeks, only to realize (very late) that the job might be a terrible fit for me. The university didn’t even offer a ballpark idea for compensation in the original posting (a bad sign in general in this day and age), they wanted me to work a 4 class teaching load each semester, for two semesters, AS WELL AS bring my original ideas into the classroom and dazzle them with my new work.  

But they weren’t gonna tell me how much this thing would pay???!!!

WELCOME TO THE THEATRE JOB MARKET, FRIENDS.

I was like, "How did I not see the absurd inadequacies of this post for my purposes before???"

Answer: I had become so excited that a job was being recommended TO ME by a colleague, (a job that WASN'T just an adjunct position,) and, I was thrilled that I (notice I said "I") had everything the job required. It was a position that I have wanted for more than a decade!  

But the problem now was, in my desire to attain that dream decade-long dream, I hadn’t asked if the job in question had everything * I * require. I didn't check in with Tara of *today* to be sure it was worth my time.  I was chasing an old dream that ... well, that maybe didn't fit me anymore.

II. STAYING TOO SMALL

I am a theatre maker, and I have been, my whole life, the spirit of Elasti-girl from the Incredibles.  I have historically bent myself backwards and forwards to BE in the presence of the work I wanted to do, even and especially when I wasn’t wanted there. 

I have played the role of witch when I was at heart the ingenue. 

I have been cast as ensemble when I was told by the director that I was better than the lead, but he really wanted a blonde. 

I have taken work in my field, physical theatre, as a mask maker, rather than an acting teacher, because the role of mask maker better reflected what others saw of me rather than what I told them I was. 

I’ve said yes to those “too small” things again and again, just to be in the room, in order to continue to be in my field.

When 2019 was coming to a close, I was in a theatre company that was mostly white folks, they were giving me the silent treatment about some feedback I offered them on a play they chose to do without a collective vote.  I was also just starting my mentee-ship with WOCA in the Leadership through Mentorship program.  

In our first conversation, my mentor heard my story about the theatre company giving me the silent treatment after I advised them against doing a specific play. I was feeling unseen and silenced by these folks who I thought saw me as an equal.  Slowly though, I was seeing that their behavior was deeply contradicting that belief.  

My mentor listened to me, and then, all she did was say to me, with complete earnestness, “They better listen to you.” It was like she had just laid the floor down for me to walk upon, when before I had been jumping around on my toes unable to stand up. She was saying with no uncertainty, You know what you're talking about, and them silencing you rather than engaging you is wrong.

I couldn’t imagine leaving that company before talking to my new mentor.  But after being seen for my value and experience, rather than for my ability to stretch and shift to meet others’ needs, I couldn’t imagine staying in that company.  

So I had to leave. That happened at on the eve of the Pandemic, in December and January of 2019-2020.

 

III. ONLY USING ONE HAND

Jumping back into the present day, when I came to the page wanting to share something uplifting with you about reimagining, I think I couldn’t find a way in because I was trying to skip over the hard part, to get to the inspiring part first. But that's not how re-imagining works. 

When I finally came to the page and really HAD something to say about reimagining, I had to laugh out loud. What I had to say was about grief. 

Great. (Eye roll.) Really uplifting.

I wonder if this idea of Reimagining isn’t hard for all of us for a similar reason.

  

Maybe we feel that reimagining is impossible or ridiculous, because we are so busy holding our grief in one hand, trying to keep it out of the way. 

Rather than processing that grief and letting it inform us, we’re holding it close, not ready to accept what letting go of that grief would mean.

Meanwhile we’re trying to do life’s chores, and uncover our actual purpose with the other, already very busy hand.  

***

I’m beginning to suspect, though, that our purposeful work, the work only we were born to do, requires us to use both our hands.

IV. THE HARD PART IS CLAIMING SPACE

It’s not an easy task, making space to Re-imagine.

Re-imagining is literally saying no to the box everyone expects you to take.

Re-imagining is telling well-meaning people that what they think you want is too small for you.

Re-imagining is clipping the invisible expectations you carry for yourself, one by one, like threads of a rope, and realizing that maybe that rope doesn’t carry who you are anymore. 

Re-imagining might also be the realization that once you clip the final threads, far fewer of the people you now know will understand the new you.

Re-imagining is knowing that new people will be drawn to you- you will not be alone, but it will mean putting up boundaries that you didn’t know you needed before. 

It’s claiming space for something that someone else couldn’t ever even imagine.

Sometimes Re-imagining is claiming space for your dreams even before YOU can imagine them.

Reimagining is saying, "If I make it, they will come." In general, I'm not a sportball fan, and baseball movies are not M.O., however, in this moment, the image of that field built for the impossible feels very relevant and relatable.

IV. BOUNDARIES ARE FOR EQUALS

For me, as a woman of color, putting up boundaries has, across the board, been one of my most difficult tasks.  Not making or keeping boundaries is the way that I’ve been most exploited in my life.

Women of color who have and hold boundaries in professional settings is the equivalent of claiming that their vision is as important, or even more important, than the vision of reality that someone else handed them.

And we usually get in big trouble for doing that.

But without boundaries, boundaries that We Choose, there is no field for our dreams.  

V. GRIEVING IS PART OF THE PROCESS

I think reimagining is really hard for me because it requires grieving as part of the process. 

I have had to get good at grieving: grieving intentionally, grieving with vulnerability.

That knot in my throat is there for a good reason. It may not be a reason that someone else will understand, but that doesn't invalidate the very real existence of that knot.

Only I can untie that knot. And if I choose to distract myself away from feeling it, no problem, it will stick around until I do process feeling it. That's how the body works.

Even as I move towards my new visions, at the same time, I am also managing my sorrow for each little departure of the familiar untruths which no longer serve me. Re-imagining is not freedom from grief. Grief comes along for the ride. It sticks to your hands like glitter, it shows up monthly like herpes.

Best to make intentional space for the grief you need to process, rather than letting it build up like overdue bills. It's a hard lesson, but settling into accepting grief has been one of the most important upgrades of my life.

I can't let other people tell me how much or when or what to grieve for. I just need to move with and through it, and I trust that I will continue to move towards life.

I didn't know before my mentor how much I needed help. Now I get help from specific people when I need it. Looking for help from others, the right others, with self-compassionate eyes, is high-level skill we have to learn, SO BE KIND TO YOURSELF WHEN IT BACKFIRES....

Because it will.

But it's still part of the work.

VI. LIFE MOVES TOWARDS LIFE

These griefs that you need to move through in order to Re-imagine might look like:

• People who used to be important to me, who are no longer safe,

• Ideas about what success is, and how I have measured success in the past in ways that no longer treat me with dignity.

• Comfortable but untruthful limitations I have placed on myself, like me saying and believing, “I’m not smart enough for going to school for a PhD.”

 

I find I have to process the sadness for who I was when I didn’t have what I wanted or needed.  I have to accept that loss, feel that loss and who I am that I didn't get it. And when I’m ready, I naturally lift my eyes to something different that has life in it. I may not like the timing it takes, but if I'm being honest, it nearly always works.

Adrienne Maree Brown, Transformative Justice worker and author of "Emergent Strategy," wrote on Instagram just yesterday, “Life is ever moving towards Life.”  I have observed that it’s in our nature to move forward towards true things.  There are things that snag and hold us stuck, but as a pattern, that isn't the nature of life systems.

Some folks believe in a nihilist's reality, one that emphasizes the "dog eat dog" paradigm, rather than a universe where life moves towards life. John Taylor Gatto wrote about this in his book on homeschooling, "A Different Kind of Teacher," where he advocates we abandon systems of learning that emphasize numbers and facts over compassionate engagement and learning as a reality that is inseparable from our nature. It's WHAT we learn that sends us on a path to dissonance or harmony. Some in our culture prefer to aspire towards fruitlessness of acquired education rather than a paradigm of life-long learning which holds value in harmony.

I certainly don't have time for dissonant thinking. I believe EVERYTHING I learn has value.

And those unfulfilled dreams are part of me. When they don't serve me anymore, they need and deserve to be laid to rest before I can use that space, that energy, for what IS mine now. 

Grieving is healing.

VII.  WISDOM AND RE-IMAGINING

“Wisdom,” I remember hearing from someone in my life say, “is knowing what is yours, and what is not meant for you.”

This feels true.  But I think I would like to amend this logic and instead say:

Wisdom is knowing what is yours.

Grieving is realizing what isn’t yours and letting it go. 

Re-imagining is the growth that comes from knowing WHAT IS YOURS, then protecting and nurturing it.  

We need all three parts to navigate this world.

VIII. APPLYING THE LESSON OF NAVIGATING FROM THE HEART

So, back to telling my personal story of Re-imagining:

As for Re-imagining my career: I have left the higher ed institution for whom I previously worked because when I told them who I was, they said, No, you’re something else.  So now I am not pursuing my lifelong dream of teaching theatre at a university, at least, not right now.

However, the core of my offering as a human is still moving forward! 

I am still dedicated to making better theatre education, new systems that would welcome a 20 year old me.  I have started innovating new methods of physical theatre education that are grown out of collective consent, (because that was one way that I was getting left out,)  anti-oppression (because that was another way I was being left out,) and intentionally uplifting racial justice in all my storytelling.  

I’m done with accepting the stories that are handed to me. (Some threads were clipped… but not the important ones.)

***

The Re-imagining continues in all aspects of my life, and it is a very like a set of dominoes...

After I listened to my mentor and left that theatre company that didn’t listen to me, I realized that I have a bad track record of not listening to my own worth and respecting it.  

And that truth made me deeply question whether or not I was providing an adequate level of listening to my own children.  When I turned on my ears, and asked if they were happy, the answer came back that no, they were not happy.  

And so, we took them out of the private school in which they were enrolled, and started homeschooling them, nearly two years ago now. I ask them regularly if they want to go back to a school setting, and they absolutely DO NOT.   We as a family unit are much, much happier together as a result.

And when we asked ourselves if we were actually chasing our best dreams as a family, and spending these precious years together in the best way we could,  the answer came back, No, you’re not.  

So we decided to move towards our dream of building a skoolie, a renovated school bus that we’ll use to travel to see family and friends, and visit the sights of this beautiful continent upon which we live.  We leave for our first cross country trip in June!

And when my partner, who has supported us with a corporate job that was giving him anxiety that made him need anti-anxiety medicine, when we asked him if that job was fulfilling to him, he said no, and we said, YOU BETTER LISTEN TO YOURSELF.  

And so then he went on a journey of separating himself from an abusive work environment, and came more deeply back into our lives as a result.

Everyone needs to get free and come along on this re-imagining! 

My beautiful partner had to move through the fear and excitement of not knowing how we would survive, only knowing that we would survive. I watched him go through the same process of grieving what he had wanted that I experienced in order to get to a re-imagined version of what he actually wanted to be doing for a day job.  

IX. CHOOSING TO BE MORE YOURSELF IN THIS WORLD

Even when there is uncertainty, there is the truth of choosing to be more of yourself in this world. So when you see, hear or smell that truth, you better listen to yourself.

I have seen that one oppression leads to another, and none of them are worth of me and what I'm here to do, so side step that shit, don't take on beliefs or ideas or jobs for that matter, that don't lead you on a path to your worth. I needed someone to tell me:  YOU ARE TOO BIG FOR THAT SMALL HOLE MADE BY SOMEONE ELSE, and it changed my life.

Speak from your heart about your experiences, and give that gift to someone else when you see an opportunity. You better listen to yourself. Once you do, to follow your truth, you might have to separate some of the threads that you thought you wanted to hold on to. To follow your truth, you might have to let go of trying to fix something that wasn’t actually broken in the first place. There are so many ways that you've learned to cope in an environment built to convince you that your work doesn't matter.

But Your Work Here Matters. You gotta let go of the things you don’t need in order to Re-imagine, because you need both hands to do Your work.  

Tara-In-Whiterland